What Irks Me: Personal frustrations with corporate life

I’m a ‘glass whatever’ kind of guy.

Got my good days and bad days, just like anyone. Maybe I’m cynical, a realist, but I do have my happy moments. I can smile like a pro, if I have to! Sometimes though, life just gets to you through lots of transient moments, when you suddenly find yourself faced with ‘fakeness’ and unnecessary complications to your day. Dealing with corporate life can sometimes be ‘tiring’. You know what I mean?

That ambiguous ‘bring your true self to work’ mantra that feels like a cringe corporate buzz-phrase, because when people do actually bring their true selves to work, the ‘constructive feedback’ begins by sneakily referring to the ‘culture fit’ tactic. Well played! Those inspirational posters on the walls whose intent is to guilt-trip you into conforming to the company’s ‘culture fit’ tactic (see previous irk). “Teamwork is the-“ Save it, Brenda from HR, that poster of high-fives doesn’t make me more collaborative. The over-used corporate buzzwords and cliches that make your eyes flinch whenever you hear them. “Let’s circle back to this”, “Go for the low-hanging fruit”, “Create synergies”, “Let’s unpack that”. “Why don’t you go unpack your ‘normality’ suitcase, Tom, and see if you’ve got any shreds of it left?”. Then you’ve got the acronym overload that’s being spat out like bullets all around you. “What’s the ETA on those KPIs? Need to check the OKRs for alignment with the ROI but that’s TBD. Get me those stats ASAP.” Well FTS, I’m out. And seriously, those fancy job titles, Customer Success Manager (Account Manager), Customer Happiness Specialist (Customer service rep), Culture Ambassadors (employees), Chief Happiness Officer (HR). If this is the trend, then I’m jumping aboard with Chief Human Whisperer (Psychologist), with a cool acronym to boot (CHW)! The mandatory office fun and bonding activities, like Secret Santa, forcing me to get a cheap gift for someone and have it unveiled at an awkward attempt at team engagement. Those damn Zoom or Teams calls that require a 5-minute calibration effort to get everyone in tune with the call. “Can you hear me?” “Yes, we c-“ “Can you hear me?” “Yes, yes, w-“ “Can you hear me now?” By that point, I’m “…” The office fridge with that one unclaimed tupperware container growing its own ecosystem and slowly planning to invade other containers. Those HR training videos with the worst actors in the world trying to imitate real communication and appropriate workplace behaviours, but appearing like cheesy robots, with the conviction of extremely well-fed donkeys trying to pass off as stallions. The annual job satisfaction, engagement, or culture surveys that insist that “Your feedback is important to us”, yet nothing really changes the day after but, at least, the box has been checked. That one person out of all your colleagues who’s unrealistically positive, “Let’s look at this as an opportunity!” No, John, it’s a disaster, we lost 1M!” Those reframing goblins who believe the world revolves around them, but actually, just have extraordinarily amazing, dumb luck. “You exuded negative energy and that’s why this has happened to you. If you expect something bad to happen, it will. If you’re in a negative frame of mind, you’ll see everything as being negative!” I get the theory of it, but shit luck just strikes sometimes; I woke up great this morning. Those games and icebreakers and pop psychology attempts at getting to the root of ‘you’. “If you were an animal, what animal would you be?” I’d be extinct, thank you very much. Or the endless mindfulness initatives that are shoved down your throat, “Here’s a yoga session to help you ignore the insurmountable and soul-crushing workload we gave you. Namaste.” The corporate swag that’s necessary but pointless, because I don’t need more branded pens or notebooks, I’ve already turn the notebooks into pulp and constructed my new study’s wall at my house. Those ALL CAPS people who believe that SCREAMING IN EMAILS AND TEXTS MAKES THEIR MESSAGE ALL THAT MORE IMPORTANT TO ME. The innovation charade we play in the corporate world, where every little new button on a website is an opportunity for a “We’re disrupting the industry!” proclamation on social media. The “We’re going paperless” proud announcements to the world, while still sending and receiving faxes. The exorbitant amounts of money spent on the Annual Party or whatever, but nevermind the training budget being slashed. The sometimes beautiful but mostly non-sensical  €55,000 statue in the office lobby, reminding all low-paid employees that appearances are everything. That ‘modest’ leadership speech by the Armani-clad CEO who explains why the very first Mont Blanc pen he bought is a constant reminder to him of integrity and humility. The sideways finger-pointing that happens when something goes wrong and ‘the process’ starts being mentioned as the culprit. No, Kathy, it was you. The pool tables and free popcorn and whatever being offered as perks for dredging through the muddy waters of being overworked and undervalued. That infamous phrase from HR that acts as a shield to change, “We’ll take it under advisement”, which when translated in ‘human’, means “Thanks, but no thanks”. All the companies, who’ve awakened to AI being here to stay, but still believe AI is a search engine, “We’re integrating AI to streamline processes!!” It’s just a chatbot, Timothy (CEO of whatever). Chill. Those social media promotions of employer of choice or people first or whatever awards they gained by paying a company to certify them, whereas, if they were so hot with their people, they could just let their brand and reputation do the talking. And, since we’re on the topic of social media, here’s a ‘personal life’ irk of mine: Those damn posts by the various Batmen and Batwomen of the world who guilt trip you into thinking that they naturally wake up at 02:30, drink hot water with lemon, eat an avocado, exercise for an hour, go for a 5km run, meditate for an uninterrupted 45 minutes, and then get to work feeling great. Holy horseshit, Batman!

Maybe I’m a bit of a Grinch. But I think we all have our own irks, don’t we? And they certainly do make life more ‘interesting’. So, just take everything you read with a smile on your face. Hey, it’s a beautiful day, can’t really complain, can we?