New Year’s Resolutions Can Stop Fear

If you’re like me, your relentless drive to better yourself every year is pinned on the fear that if you don’t, you’ve wasted time. Every January, we dive headfirst into the new year armed with resolutions like, “I’ll hit the gym,” “I’ll eat kale like a health influencer,” or “I’ll finally stop pretending I’m fluent in Spanish after three Duolingo lessons.” But by February, gyms echo like haunted mansions, kale morphs back into chips, and Duolingo reminds us it’s there for actual learners.

This really got me thinking. Why do I repeat the same sequence ever year if I never successfully get something new started? How else can I aim to improve every year? Well, maybe…just maybe.. the problem isn’t starting new habits but stopping the bad ones. What if the secret to transformation isn’t adding more to our plates but clearing off the junk we don’t need? This year, I put this theory to the test by resolving to stop one of the worst sides of me, the control freak, a side I discovered was rooted in fear. Spoiler alert: it worked, and I’ll explain how.

A Christmas Revelation: Delegation Over Domination

Picture this: Christmas lunch, two years in a row. The first year, I played the one-man culinary army, cooking almost everything myself because, apparently, I thought I was auditioning for MasterChef: Holiday Edition. The food? Amazing. The host? He was being a bigger Grinch than Deano. Chaos reigned in the kitchen, lunch started late and I barely enjoyed the day.

Fast forward to this Christmas, and my wife (the true MVP) suggested a revolutionary concept: delegation. Behind my back, she went ahead and each one of our guests to bring a particular dish, that she knew they made well. While this may have been momentarily perceived as betrayal by the controlling side of me, it didn’t take long to realize she was unburdening me from my own tendencies. Genius. No one complained.

As a result, I made just two things, and instead of running around like a turkey with its head cut off, I actually relaxed. When everyone arrived, we set the dishes on the table and enjoyed a feast we’d all contributed to….ON SCHEDULE! No stress, no chaos, and for the first time, I actually savored the event.

The real gift? Letting go of control turned Christmas from a cooking show into a collaboration. Turns out, when you release the reins, you’re not left with a runaway sleigh. You’re left with teamwork and connection.

Fear: The Driver of Dysfunction

Why do we hold on to control like toddlers with a favorite toy? Fear. For me, it was the fear of imperfection, the idea that if I didn’t micromanage, the universe would implode… or at least the oven schedule would.

Fear, as psychologists will tell you, is a sneaky driver of negative behaviors. Two biggies stand out: the fear of losing control and the fear of rejection. Those of us that prioritize on results over people tend to want control. On the other hand, those who prioritize on relationships, want acceptance and a sense of belonging.

Take Victoria, a Harmonizer on my team. She’s the ultimate peace-keeper, empathetic, caring, and fantastic at making others feel heard. But like many Harmonizers, she’s often juggling her own needs and the fear of rocking the boat. Her fear of rejection means she sometimes overcommits or avoids asserting her own preferences.

Fear-driven behaviors, whether they’re about control or rejection, can trap us in cycles that don’t serve us. The trick is recognizing these patterns so we can stop letting fear dictate our actions. After all, life isn’t a horror movie. We don’t need to let fear write the script.

The Power of Stopping

Stopping might feel unnatural in a world that worships hustle and grind. But sometimes, subtracting is more powerful than adding. Cognitive psychology’s “law of least effort” explains why habits stick around: our brains like efficiency, even if it’s at the expense of progress.

For me, stopping meant identifying the root cause of my controlling tendencies: fear of chaos. For Victoria, it’s learning to confront her fear of rejection by setting boundaries. It became quite obvious that I can apply the the “Start, Stop, Continue” framework, a tool we have been using with our clients for years. By applying it to our personal lives, maybe it could help us reframe our approach to our fears.

Start, Stop, Continue: A Framework for Change

Here’s how this simple yet effective framework works for control and fear:

For Controllers:

• Start: Listening to others without pre-emptively planning a solution.

• Stop: Micromanaging every detail like you’re auditioning for a control-freak reality show.

• Continue: Building trust in others’ capabilities.

For Harmonizers:

• Start: Expressing personal needs (yes, you can!)

• Stop: Saying “yes” to everything to avoid conflict.

• Continue: Being empathetic while practicing self-care.

  
  

  This approach makes change actionable and specific, moving resolutions from vague ideas to tangible actions.

Practical Steps to Stop a Negative Behavior

Whether it’s controlling tendencies, fear of rejection, or something else entirely, here’s how to start stopping:

1. Identify the Root Fear: Why do you behave this way? Journaling or talking openly can help uncover what’s driving you.

2. Choose a Specific Starting Point: Focus on one behavior at a time. For me, it started with delegating dishes. For Victoria, it might be asserting herself in one meeting.

3. Replace the Habit: Stopping creates space. Fill it with something positive. I swapped control for trust and celebrated others’ contributions.

4. Celebrate Progress: Progress isn’t linear, but every small win is a step forward.

5. Be Patient: Habits didn’t form overnight, and they won’t break overnight either.

Creating Space for Growth

Stopping my fear-driven control wasn’t easy, but it’s been transformative. Letting go created room for connection, collaboration, and a much lighter mental load. My Christmas table this year wasn’t just a meal, it was a metaphor for the power of stopping.

So, as you set your goals, don’t just ask what you want to start. Ask what you should stop. What’s weighing you down? What fears are holding you back? Because sometimes the most liberating resolution is simply letting go of what no longer serves you. And trust me, your brain (and your oven) will thank you.